Greatest Hits: The Columbia Model.

The Ultimate Greatest Hits Muse.

I wish I could say that my introduction to Bob Dylan was Highway 61 Revisited or Bringing It All Back Home, but it wasn't—it was a cassette dub of my parents' Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits LP. Clocking in at just over 40 minutes, it conveniently gathered all 7 of Dylan's Top 40 singles of his peak period (1963-1966), buttressed by 3 tracks from his best 3 acoustic folk albums. The songs were mixed out of chronological order such that "Rainy Day Women #12 & 35" sat next to "Blowin' In The Wind," but no matter. In terms of quality, logic, and focus, there has never been a finer collection of Dylan's music.

If there ever was a "Greatest Hits" sweepstakes in rock & roll, it would surely have to be won by Columbia Records. In the wake of Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits came greatest hits LPs from The Byrds, Sly & The Family Stone, & Simon & Garfunkel—all so fine that they would make Rolling Stone's Essential 200 list in 1997, beating out the likes of albums like The Byrds' Mr. Tambourine Man, Sly Stone's Stand!, and Simon & Garfunkel's Bridge Over Troubled Water. (A fourth, Janis Joplin's Greatest Hits, should've been included, but she was inexplicably left off the list entirely.) Each packed a punch that summarized the artist's era better than the best of the era's original albums themselves.

All of them followed the Columbia Model pioneered on Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits:

1. A relatively short (read: 1 LP) running time.

2. Most (if not all) of the artist's Top 40 hits.

3. Sequencing in a non-chronological order.

4. A timespan covering at least 4 years or 4 albums.

One of the frustrations of the post-CD era is album length. Many of the best rock & roll albums come from the era before CDs, in part because rock is best heard in a 30-to-40-minute rush. (Indeed, even many of the classic post-CD era albums—The Strokes' Is This It, The White Stripes' White Blood Cells, Neutral Milk Hotel's In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, & Arcade Fire's Funeral—comfortably sit within a single vinyl record). Furthermore, there is something about the whole "everything you need in the length of a single vinyl record" that has been all but lost in the past few decades.

I began to wonder what would happen if I took some of the major groups of the CD era & created classic greatest hits albums for them based on the Columbia Model listed above. What follows is the result, from most to least successful:

Nirvana's Greatest Hits (43 minutes)

1. Smells Like Teen Spirit (from Nevermind; #6 US, #7 UK)

2. About A Girl (from Bleach)

3. Heart-Shaped Box (from In Utero; #5 UK)

4. Come As You Are (from Nevermind; #32 US, #9 UK)

5. Sliver (single released on Insecticide; #77 UK)

6. Pennyroyal Tea (single mix of In Utero song; #1 US)

7. You Know You're Right (single released on Nirvana; #45 US)

8. In Bloom (from Nevermind; #28 UK)

9. Lithium (from Nevermind; #64 US, #11 UK)

10. Dumb (album track from In Utero)

11. Rape Me (from In Utero, #45 US, #32 UK)

12. All Apologies [Live] (from MTV Unplugged In New York)

Nirvana lends itself so easily to the Columbia Model format because they had such few hits & the ones they had were somewhat shorter in length (they are the only group to have 12 songs instead of the usual 10). Included here are all 3 of their Top 40 singles (including "Pennyroyal Tea," which hit #1 as a special release earlier this year on Record Store Day), as well as all of their songs in the original versions, with the exception of "All Apologies," which is taken from MTV Unplugged In New York, which is generally considered the better version. Ironically, it is the incompleteness of Nirvana's career that makes their greatest hits album feel the most complete.

R.E.M.'s Greatest Hits (43 minutes)

1. Losing My Religion (from Out Of Time; #4 US, #9 UK)

2. Man On The Moon (from Automatic For The People; #30 US, #18 UK)

3. Stand (from Green; #6 US, #48 UK)

4. What's The Frequency, Kenneth? (from Monster; #21 US, #9 UK)

5. The One I Love (From Document; #9 US, #16 UK)

6. Drive (from Automatic For The People; #28 US, #11 UK)

7. Shiny Happy People (from Out Of Time; #10 US, #6 UK)

8. Bang & Blame (from Monster; #19 US, #15 UK)

9. Everybody Hurts (from Automatic For The People; #29 US, #7 UK)

10. It's The End Of The World As We Know It (& I Feel Fine) (from Document; #69 US, #39 UK)

R.E.M.'s 30-year career was proving to be tricky until I realized that all of their 9 Top 40 hits fell within a 5-album period. Once I realized that, this album fell together pretty easily, as it is a mix of these 9 songs, plus their next most recognizable song ("End Of The World"), which also falls in this period. & just out of curiosity, what does R.E.M. have against "Drive"? They've left it off of both of their Warner Brothers-era compilations, even though it was technically the biggest hit from Automatic For The People in their native country.

U2's Greatest Hits (42 minutes)

1. Pride (In The Name Of Love) (from The Unforgettable Fire; #33 US, #3 UK)

2. One (from Achtung Baby; #10 US, #7 UK)

3. New Year's Day (from War; #53 US, #10 UK)

4. With Or Without You (from The Joshua Tree; #1 US, #4 UK)

5. Sunday Bloody Sunday (album track from War)

6. Where The Streets Have No Name (from The Joshua Tree; #13 US, #4 UK)

7. Even Better Than The Real Thing (from Achtung Baby; #32 US, #12 UK)

8. Desire (from Rattle & Hum; #3 US, #1 UK)

9. Mysterious Ways (from Achtung Baby; #9 US, #13 UK)

10. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (from The Joshua Tree; #1 US, #6 UK)

For U2, I went with the 5 album span from War to Achtung Baby, easily their finest era. I also went for anthems over hits; the now largely-forgotten "The Fly" may have hit #1 in the UK (#61 US), but "Sunday Bloody Sunday" (released only as a single in Germany & the Netherlands) is the song that anyone off the street could sing for you. It also would have been nice to include their remaining 2 US Top 40 hits—"Angel Of Harlem" (#14 US, #9 UK) & "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" (#35 US,  #14 UK), but they ultimately diluted the punch, as well as give Achtung Baby one more song than The Joshua Tree, a balance I would not want to upset.

Radiohead's Greatest Hits (45 minutes)

1. Just (from The Bends; #19 UK)

2. Paranoid Android (from OK Computer; #3 UK)

3. Karma Police (from OK Computer; #69 US, #8 UK)

4. Creep (from Pablo Honey; #34 US, #7 UK)

5. No Surprises (from OK Computer; #4 UK)

6. High & Dry (from The Bends; #78 US, #17 UK)

7. My Iron Lung (from My Iron Lung EP; #24 UK)

8. Everything In Its Right Place (album track from Kid A)

9. Fake Plastic Trees (from The Bends; #65 US, #20 UK)

10. Street Spirit (Fade Out) (from The Bends; #5 UK)

This contains all but one of Radiohead's UK Top 40 singles & all of their US Top 100 singles from this period. Only "Anyone Can Play Guitar" (#32 UK) is left off because it is slighter than the others & I wanted to the collection to span at least 4 studio albums; in its place is "Everything In Its Right Place" from Kid A, which Thom Yorke is on record as regretting not releasing as a single. This allowed for a proper time span & balance of material, even if not every Top 40 hit of their native country was represented.

Pearl Jam's Greatest Hits (42 minutes)

1. Alive (from Ten; #107 US, #16 UK)

2. Daughter (from Vs.; #97 US, #18 UK)

3. Spin The Black Circle (from Vitalogy; #18 US, #10 UK)

4. Who You Are (from No Code; #31 US, #18 UK)

5. Dissident (from Vs.; #14 UK)

6. Jeremy (from Ten; #79 US, #15 UK)

7. Given To Fly (from Yield; #21 US, #12 UK)

8. Even Flow (from Ten; #108 US, #27 UK)

9. Betterman (album track from Vitalogy)

10. Last Kiss (single released on No Boundaries: A Benefit For The Kosovar Refugees; #2 US, #42 UK)

There's a certain level of absurdity in trying to shoehorn modern rock groups into the archaic Columbia Model, & no band showed this better than Pearl Jam. (Ironically, they are the only group on the list signed to a Columbia subsidiary, Epic.) All of their US Top 40 hits were recorded within their first 5 albums—as well as all but 2 of their UK Top 40 hits (#30 "Wishlist" & #34 "Not For You" failed to make the cut)—but this barely hints at the bigger picture. Album cuts like "Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town" (from Vs.) & "Corduroy" (from Vitalogy) are just as recognizable as many of the tracks above, while non-singles like "Black" (which the band refused to release as a single, despite pressure from their label to do so) & "Yellow Leadbetter" (a B-side to "Jeremy") usually rank among their finest masterpieces. If any band shows why the classic format might no longer work in the CD era, it's Pearl Jam; it is probably no coincidence that they are the only band on this list to never release a best-of album that was smaller than a double CD.

Lifes Rich Reconstruction.

The cover of the best R.E.M. album, even if it didn't exist until this article was posted.

It's a best-kept secret among R.E.M. fans that their best album may just be Lifes Rich Pageant, as first suggested about a decade ago by The New Rolling Stone Album Guide. The album built upon its predecessor—the underrated Fables Of The Reconstruction—taking the "Old, Weird" Americana of the latter & couching it in a harder-rocking sound.

The problem is, that unlike The Official R.E.M. Classics like Murmur or Automatic For The People (&/or Document & Out Of Time, depending on your tastes), Lifes Rich Pageant doesn't quite get there, losing its way somewhere in the middle of its second side. A similar predicament keeps Fables Of The Reconstruction from reaching classic status, only its very best material is not as focused (or rocking) as Lifes Rich Pageant.

But the essential character of these two albums are similar to that of The Band's first two albums, Music From Big Pink & The Band. Music From Big Pink was a pioneer's journey (heightened by the quasi-crusade of "The Weight") while The Band was a settler's folktale (filled with the secular joy of "Up On Cripple Creek"); to quote Greil Marcus, the former was "an American mystery" & the latter was "A heartland adventure, with mysteries replaced by road maps, good booze, & dirty stories."

Fables Of The Reconstruction & Lifes Rich Pageant plays like a postmodern Music From Big Pink & The Band, respectively, though (truth be told) neither is quite strong enough to stand on its own as a definitive statement the way The Band's LPs can. However, if you put the two together into a mash-up—a Lifes Rich Reconstruction, if you will—you get one strong album that plows straight into the heart of the "Old, Weird America" & says as much about the country as any other rock album of the decade.

Checkering back & forth between Lifes Rich Pageant & Fables Of The Reconstruction, I came up with the following running order; along the way oceans fall & mountains drift, ships are driven on railroad tracks, & soldiers turn into noisy cats as girls & dogs bear their crosses.

Lifes Rich Reconstruction

Side 1: Pilgrims Pageant

1. Begin The Begin (From Pageant).

2. Maps & Legends (From Fables).

3. These Days (From Pageant).

4. Driver 8 (From Fables).

5. Fall On Me (From Pageant).

6. Old Man Kensey (From Fables).

7. Underneath The Bunker (From Pageant).

Side 2: Frontiersmans Fables

1. Feeling Gravity's Pull (From Fables).

2. Cuyahoga (From Pageant).

3. Can't Get There From Here (From Fables).

4. I Believe (From Pageant).

5. Life & How To Live It (From Fables).

6. Swan Swan H (From Pageant).

Side 1: Pilgrims Pageant

1. Begin The Begin: A venture out into a virgin New World—owing equal parts to Myles Standish, the Pilgrim who headed the Mayflower Colony's militia & Martin Luther Zen, a hybrid of the Reformation reformer, a buddhist monk, & Martin Luther King, Jr.—all pulled into an untouched continent by a guitar riff & bathed in the sea breeze of electric feedback, stomped out by a driving snare drum.

2. Maps & Legends: A mapping of the land in mysteries & riddles, anchored in a break that plays like a postmodern Beach Boys' "Good Vibrations," if that song was sung in the middle of the dense forest by a band spread out to its disparate corners—he's to be reached, he's not to be reached, indeed.

3. These Days: A rallying cry that sounds like it's coming from a mountaintop, even if it calls for a march into the sea; sung by a man who was born in Decatur, Georgia—the same place that General William T. Sherman had begun his march to the sea 96 years earlier.

4. Driver 8: A prelude to "The Wreck Of The Old 97," which reaches into the number between 9 & 7 to paint a picture of a stone walls & rolling fields, all witnessed by an engine driver who is convinced they will reach their destination before he has to take a break.

5. Fall On Me: An atomic nightmare painted in iron feathers, arms stretched towards the sky but hands grasping nothing except confusion—yet how beautiful it all sounds.

6. Old Man Kensey: An idiot's lament or a senile's quest; either way, it established a character, who, along with Martin Luther Zen & Driver 8, looms larger in myth than they ever could in reality.

7. Underneath The Bunker: A WWI cylinder recording influenced by Spain but waxed in the south of France—& a doughboy's cry for shelter, fear, or love, depending on who hears it.

Side 2: Frontiersmans Fables

1. Feeling Gravity's Pull: The Earth as America, painted in a Man Ray sky overlooking oceans falling & mountains drifting; or, another version of "Begin The Begin" that takes things back to the beginning of time.

2. Cuyahoga: A calling card to put our heads together & start a new country up in a land where ancient rivers of the Iroquois has been set aflame by the pioneer's folly.

3. Can't Get There From Here: A chronicle of the elusive Northwest Passage, as sung by Lewis & Clark to a bemused Sacagawea.

4. I Believe: John Winthrop's "City Upon A Hill" sermon, with the city & hill replaced by the spirit of a rattlesnake & an appreciation for change.

5. Life & How To Live It: Benjamin Franklin's autobiography, told to a carpenter out & running about in the street, increasing in desperation until the whole thing collapses in a moment that holds as much force as everything that leads up to it.

6. Swan Swan H: A junkstore folktale chronicling the shift from Civil War to Reconstruction, complete with the gruesome souvenirs of Johnny Reb's bloody field—bone, chains, & toothpicks—all with an eye out to measure the cost of heroes in 6 words sung with a flat wariness that belies their meaning: "Hurrah, we are all free now."

The result is an America that is incomplete & unfinished—maps of legends & legends of maps. It is also on par with anything else R.E.M. (or most other bands) have ever recorded.