Friday, April 19, 2013

The 100 Least Influential People in the World.

This week, Time Magazine released its annual list of the Most Influential People in the World: Obama, Rubio, apparently Tilda Swindon, blah, blah, blah. What was even better was in 2010, when Joel Stein made his list of the LEAST influential people in response.

Inspired by anyone who can write about Mayor McCheese & still keep a job at the nation's leading (remaining?) news magazine is an influence to me.

So don't worry, Joel, you won't be on my list. I may have to steal Mayor McCheese though. (In fact, he's #57.)

1. Mitt Romney: You came, you saw, you conked out. Thanks for playing. You can get a copy of the home game. Which for you is Monopoly.

2. Clint Eastwood's Chair: The Good: Best Performance Art EVER; The Bad: Upstaged Romney at his own nomination; The Ugly: …& proved far more memorable.

3. Charlton Heston's Cold, Dead Hand: Perfect to take on that cold, dead bad hand with a gun.

4. The Compact Disc: The newest MacBook doesn't even have a disc drive, meaning hipsters can't even play discs ironically.

5. Amanda Bynes: The Lindsay Lohan of class.

6. Lindsay Lohan: The Amanda Bynes of grace.

7. Johnny AppleMaps: Whoever the guy was that invented AppleMaps. Presumably more than happy to stay Apple-nonymous. Hey, Johnny, how do you like them—well, you know.

8. Marian Robinson: Her son-in-law is the President, her daughter is the First Lady, & she lives in the White House with both of them, but we have no idea what she does all day. Even "Miss Lil" Carter didn't know when to keep her mouth shut.

9. Taylor Kitsch: Starred in "John Carter," the biggest bomb of all-time. Was last seen trying to legally change his last name to Lautner.

10. Manti Te'o's Girlfriend: They say she never existed, but I bet she's just using that as an excuse.

11. Dennis Rodman: You take a crazy ex-basketball star & send him to an even crazier dictator who hates us, & guess what?—diplomacy fails & crazy dictator still hates us.

12. Every "American Idol" Winner Since Carrie Underwood: You know who you are. Cuz we as sure as hell don't.

13. Walter Mondale: Now that McGovern has passed, our nation's oldest-living also-ran. By election year. If we went by age, it'd be…

14. Bob Dole: So un-influential, the ailing former made a rare appearance in Congress to urge his fellow Republicans to vote for a disabilities bill, & they still didn't.

15. Tom from MySpace: Old: "Facebook is just MySpace without the ads!" New: "Twitter is like Facebook without the people I don't care about!" Which leaves Tom…hanging out with Billy Friendster?

16. Todd Akin: Ah, the perils of "The Rapes of Wrath."

17. Todd Palin: The First Dude of…well, Juneau?—cuz I sure as hell don't. But if not, Alaska!

18. Khloe Kardashian: Not the Kanye one. & not the one with Scott Dick-whatever. & not the "it's hard being made fun of for being thin & beautiful" or her underage non-identical, non-twin sister. Still not sure? Exactly.

19. The Benedict Formally Known As Pope: Still waiting for the groundbreaking on the Pope-idential Museum. 1st of its time since Gregory XII!

20. All of the Original Cast Members of "Barney & Friends" Who're Not Demi Lovato: &, if we're being honest with ourselves, Demi Lovato most of the time, too.

21. Connor Kennedy: So uninspiring that not even Taylor Swift has bothered to write a song about him. Yet.

22. Former Supreme Court Justice Stevens: What does he do all day now? & more importantly, does he still do it while wearing a bow-tie?

23. Flo from the Progressive ads: She seems nice enough, but those thing make me want to never buy Progressive out of principle. & if THAT'S not a lack of influence, I'll never know it.

24. Ann Romney: "You people" really know how to pick a classy First Lady. & her name is Michelle.

25. Susan Rice: Like the Secretary of State, but not.

26. Tan Mom: Finally, her name in print in a way that doesn't make me retch.

27. Scott Brown: Bqhatevwr happened to baby pain? "The Professor" made him look like Mary Ann, that's what. Speaking of which…

28. Russell Johnson: Played a professor who could make a transistor out of coconuts but couldn't fix a hole in a boat. & he was the show's straight mam.

29. Dawn Wells: We all know that Tina "Ginger" Louise gave up acting for helping underprivileged school kids (by everyone, I mean kids in the '90s who had nothing better to do than watch reruns of the E! True Hollywood Story). Aw, who am I kidding? Dawn "Mary Ann" Wells was always the hotter one, & that gets her a free pass for life. But it also makes her uninfluential. Oh crap, do I really have the most to say about Dawn Wells?!

30. John Edwards: The slut who could've been vice-president. Until his slutty ways surfaced THERE instead of on the campaign trail. Bullet, consider yourself dodged.

31. Skeeter Muppet: The only Muppet Baby to never be an actual Muppet, which, with the second Muppet movie coming out, is proving to be a hot commodity. But the fact no one even noticed she wasn't there says it all.

32. Everybody in George Zimmerman's Family: & probably George Zimmerman too. Just a shot in the dark.

33. Mike Doonesbury: Upstaged by his own daughter, Alex, who takes over the strip. Not that you can really tell the difference. Wait, maybe Alex Doonesbury should be on the list…?

34. Ringo Starr: The Adele of Least Influential Lists, & he still can't play a standard roll—in the deep, or anywhere else.

35. Cecilia Gimenez: The 80-year-old Spanish lady who "restored" the ancient Christ fresco so that he looked like a monkey. What WOULD Darwin Do?

36. The Twinkie: Any still left on the shelf must be like WAAAY past their expiration date by now.

37. Coolio: Saw him on "Celebrity Wife Swap" & you might just think he's a washed up prick, but he's not. He's a washed-up SELF-DELUDED prick.

38. Bo Obama: Last seen in the president's "This is how dog-lovers ride with their dogs" anti-roofrack Romney meme. Eagerly awaits the next GOP dog-centered "scandal."

39. Dick Morris: Sorry Dick, you can't predict a Romney landslide & not expect to make this list—although you wouldn't have been able to predict THAT either…

40. George W. Bush's Painting Teacher: Assuming this person exists, though hoping that they don't…

41. Herman Caine: Your 9-9-9 minutes of fame are up, like 9-9-9 months ago.

42. The King of the Green Pigs in "Angry Birds": The only thing he's king of when I'm playing is getting his ass popped!

43. Viktoria Komova: Learned the hard way that "DOUGLAS" rearranges to "GOLD USA" for a reason.

44. Allen West: If you forget his name & Google "Tea Party Rep who lost," he's not even on the 1st page that comes up, though I'm sure he'll demand a recount.

45. Donald Trump's Hair: Proof that money can buy power & fame, but not necessarily a decent hairstyle. Unless you're into dead amber-hued badgers.

46. Luise Rainer: The first person to win back-to-back Oscars—Best Actress in 1936 & 1937—is still alive & living in France at 103. There. Now you know.

47. Buster Douglas: Beat Tyson in 1988 but never got a crumb of Tyson's fame—or maybe I'm still bitter because by the time my parents finally bought me "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out" for Nintendo, it had already been retitled simply "Punch-Out."

48. Michael D. Brown: The former FEMA head who did a "heck of a job" with Katrina, criticizes the FEMA work in Sandy. Hey pot, kettle called. He said "black."

49. Ben Carson's Publicist. You've heard of a no-spin zone? This guy lives in a no-win zone.

50. Mitt Romney's "Binders Full of Women": When outreach becomes ouch-reach.

51. Dan Quayle: Can't make a list like this without Dan Quayle!

52. Jack Kemp: Can't leave him out either! What's that, he's dead? Um, Geraldine Ferraro? Her too? Can we do Dan Quayle again? OK, fine, Marilyn Quayle.

53. Pete Rose: Hasn't been relevant since the 1st Bush Administration. Need proof? He recently got his own cable TV reality show.

54. Richard Roeper: One-time Siskel fill-in, who's outlived Ebert. But has anyone actually ever seen him & Leonard Maltin together in the same room at the same time? Yeah, that's what I thought.

55. Laraine Newman: The only original SNL cast member you can't name. Hell, even Garrett Morris is now on "2 Broke Girls."

56. Anthony Wiener: 100% name recognition + 15% support = 0% shot at being mayor. Even of a land comprised of talking cheeseburgers.

57. Mayor McCheese: Joel Stein, 2010: "'I'm not aware of his stance on a single issue.' — Ross Autry, personal advisor to this project on Facebook, where I asked for help from anyone. Hey, 100 is a lot of people." Amen to that.

58. Cap'n Crunch: As Joey points out on "Friends," his eyebrows hover mysteriously above his head; as Chandler points out, he's the captain of a cereal. Hey, 100 IS a lot of people.

59. Gary Sandy: A.K.A. Andy Travis from "WKRP in Cincinnati." Baby, I do ever wonder, wonder whatever became of you. Although I do wonder even more about Bailey Quarters. Nerd crush!

60. Jan Smithers: A.K.A. Bailey Quarters. Yeah, I figured what the hell.

61. Newsweek: The super-duper old, well, news-weekly ceased publication this year. So why does it still appear from time to time on my Twitter timeline?! It's like the Hamlet's Ghost of media.

62. Mitt Romney's Tax Accountant: So undistinguished, we're not even sure if he exists.

63. Kim Zolciak: "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" who became sorta-famous for a sorta-hit that she sorta-maybe doesn't have the rights to. Don't be tardy for the court date!

64. Bill, the Singing Bill from "Schoolhouse Rocks!": Clearly not getting through to the 113rd Congress.

65. The Human Attention Span: Thanks to Twitter, Facebook, & texting, no one can focus long enough to complete a

66. The Citizens of "Mandyville": Namely, Chuck, the older brother on "Happy Days," Judy, the younger sister on "Family Matters," & of course, President Bartlett's advisor Mandy, on "West Wing." Gone but not forgotten. But just barely.

67. Bing!: Not even a freak-Easter Google Doodle-gate non-scandal could keep anyone's interest for more than 36 hours.

68. Cesar Chavez's Publicist: When the American public can't tell Cesar Chavez from Hugo Chavez, we've got a problem (see above).

69.Marco Rubio's Water Bottle: Chugged faster than a shot of whiskey! Can dash presidential ambitions in a single gulp! Look, across the studio: It's absurd! It's inane! It's—

70. George Lazenby: At the half-century mark of the franchise, is it too redundant to call him the "George Lazenby" of James Bond's?

71. Patty Hearst: Commuted by Jimmy Carter (in 1979), pardoned by Bill Clinton (as his last official act as president in 2001), & guest-starred on "Veronica Mars" (which went off the air in 2007), she's lately been resigned to pop culture purgatory: Voice-over work.

72. Teddy Ruxbin: His coffin was nailed shut by last year's megahit "Ted," but the fact is he could never think for himself. That, & he was creepy as hell.

73. J.K. Rowling's Adult Fiction Editor: Clearly a person who needs to learn how to wield more influence.

74. Mark McGuire's "500" Baseball: Kids, don't take steroids or else you'll get…an asterisk?

75. Tagg Romney: "I wanna strike the president" = Tagg, you're [sh]it! Inspired a great subplot of "New Girl," though, with Schmidt "Tugg" Romney.

77. Gavin McLeod: Murray on "Mary Tyler Moore," the captain of "The Love Boat," &…?

78. Meatloaf: Serenading Mitt Romney with a version of "America, The Beautiful" that makes Romney look like Ray Charles is the most memorable thing he's done since playing a guy named "Bitch Tits" (sorry, his name was Robert Paulson) 13 years ago—& that includes last year's "comeback" album.

79. Disco Stu: "Disco Stu doesn't in-flu-ence."

80. Regular Broadcast Television: Thanks to the advent of TiVo & Netflix, the once most-regulated medium (certain episodes at certain times) has become the most democratic (entire seasons at any time you wish). Assuming you're under 60.

81. Whichever Member(s) of the Academy Didn't Vote to Nominate Ben Affleck for Best Director: This monkey-wrenched one of the strongest recent years in film, guaranteeing Argo Best Picture. Affleck's gain is Lincoln's loss. & ours.

82. Justin Bieber's Monkey: Or, the closest Bieber will ever get to Michael Jackson.

83. Richard II: No one bothers to remember his Shakespeare's play, but then again, no one verifies his crippled remains under a parking lot either. Note to Dicky II: Get thy hunchbacked uncle's publicist.

85. ` --> That Apostrophe That's Not An Apostrophe in the Upper-Left Corner of the Keyboard under the ESC Key: Seriously, I have to jump through hoops to get a "¢" but this one's out there for free?!

86. The Guy Who Used To Host ElimiDate: Am I really so petty to include a TV host I couldn't stand from an 11-year-old reality show when I can't even find his name since he seems to have been completely scrubbed from the Internet record? In a word, yes.

87. Stacey Dash: If this is the Republicans' idea of rebranding, they really are "clueless."

88. Peter Frampton: Kids today are baffled by the fact that the Velvet Underground didn't sell in their day. But they're even more baffled that "Frampton Comes Alive!" DID.

89. YOU: If Time Magazine can fill up a "Person of the Year" slot with this, surely I can fill up a Least Influential Person slot with this. Just as long as anyone from their Most Influential list doesn't read this. Best & Brightest, consider yourselves warned.

90. Jamie Farr: Klinger from TV's "M*A*S*H." Still bucking for that Section 8, only now he does it on TVLand.

91. Levi Johnston: Doing a "Least Influential" list without this guy is like watching "The Hills" without guilt.

92. Heidi Montag: File this one under "Because I can."

92. Spenser Pratt: File this one under "Because I f*cking can."

93. Eliot Spitzer: Or, how NOT to be a governor in one call-girl or less. Actually, more.

95. Oliver North: Some three decades after Iran-Contra, he's reinvented himself as a cable news pundit, still without a—wait for it!—SHRED of decency.

96. John Sununu: Former Bush I press secretary wishes Obama would learn how to be an American. Funny John, I was wishing the same thing about you.

97. The First Two Seasons of "Teen Mom": Coming to a "Where Are They Now?" tabloid spread in a supermarket checkout line near you.

98. The Good Guy With A Gun Looking For Wayne LaPierre: Work faster, FASTER!

99. Rafalca Romney: Loser horse for a loser candidate, but still the smaller horse's ass.

100. George W. Bush: Getting ready the only presidential library where the papers were all written in crayon.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Why Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem Are The Greatest Band EVER.

1. Everyone knows the best rock bands are fake. The Mayhem just take it to the next level.

2. Versatility—what other band could've backed Elton John, Alice Cooper, Linda Ronstadt, Blondie, John Denver, Paul Simon, Johnny Cash, AND slip into a perfect rendition of Brubeck's "Take Five" just for a throwaway gag when Dudley Moore asks them to take, well, you know…

3. Can't pick which era to listen to? The Mayhem lets you choose "All Of The Above"! We got a hippie (Janis), a glam-star (Dr. Teeth), an acid-rock artiste (Floyd Pepper), a jazzman (Zoot), a heavy metal drum arsenal (Animal), & a piano-playing dog who's equally at home with classical, ragtime, or pop (Rowlf).

4. No chance of Monkees-type scandals cuz it's an accepted fact they can't play on their own records.

5. Speaking of which, the record industry is dead. & they haven't released an album since the Reagan Administration.

6. Autotune?! We don't need no stinkin' autotune!!

7. Only half of the band have eyeballs. & you think YOUR group is badass.

8. They're aging much more gracefully than The Stones & aren't dying off like The Who.

9. One chick who's white, one guy who's brown—plus a green guy, a blue guy, a purple guy, & a red guy. These guys were PC before it even existed!

10. They got a drummer who makes John Bonham look like Mr. Rogers.