1. Everyone knows the best rock bands are fake. The Mayhem just take it to the next level.
2. Versatility—what other band could've backed Elton John, Alice Cooper, Linda Ronstadt, Blondie, John Denver, Paul Simon, Johnny Cash, AND slip into a perfect rendition of Brubeck's "Take Five" just for a throwaway gag when Dudley Moore asks them to take, well, you know…
3. Can't pick which era to listen to? The Mayhem lets you choose "All Of The Above"! We got a hippie (Janis), a glam-star (Dr. Teeth), an acid-rock artiste (Floyd Pepper), a jazzman (Zoot), a heavy metal drum arsenal (Animal), & a piano-playing dog who's equally at home with classical, ragtime, or pop (Rowlf).
4. No chance of Monkees-type scandals cuz it's an accepted fact they can't play on their own records.
5. Speaking of which, the record industry is dead. & they haven't released an album since the Reagan Administration.
6. Autotune?! We don't need no stinkin' autotune!!
7. Only half of the band have eyeballs. & you think YOUR group is badass.
8. They're aging much more gracefully than The Stones & aren't dying off like The Who.
9. One chick who's white, one guy who's brown—plus a green guy, a blue guy, a purple guy, & a red guy. These guys were PC before it even existed!
10. They got a drummer who makes John Bonham look like Mr. Rogers.